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" Let's think about the mechanics. You're a nurse. Is there a way to do this?"That turned the focus of her thoughts, from her daughter having to see me, to possible options."I know you're not wanting to think about Jessica seeing me, but in reality, how sexy is it to wipe someone?"Theresa snorted, and said, "A lot of times it's pretty disgusting." Right. I think that Jessica may well think she's getting something ... ah ... well..." I know what you're trying to say. She thinks she's going to look at a man and see his..." Right, and what she gets is..." A load of shit," Theresa said, not being able to laugh."I'm not incapacitated. I can pee just fine," I said."That's true. She doesn't even need to position the bedpan. You can do that." She'd just have to wipe me. Frankly I don't think that is going to be much fun for her."Theresa nodded and said, "I can agree on that. It just bothers me that she'll see your ... testicles." You could say 'balls, ' you know." I could, but I'd rather. I grabbed my wallet from the kitchen and we went outside.My daughter was sprawled out in the backseat of this Prius. The Uber driver stood there with his arms crossed, he looked pissed.“I need a hundred bucks to clean up this puke! And I want cash!”I flung my wallet to the lovely-but-drunken Ms. Johnson and said: “Pay the man.”The car reeked. I don’t need to describe it, it was awful. Most of it was on the floor of the car, but some was on my Alice. I tugged and pulled and finally got her in a position where I could pick her up. Alice is a little bitty thing, just five foot three and about a buck-ten or so. But still, that’s dead weight that’s just flopping all over the place.I headed towards the front door, but it was shut! And Melanie was still talking to the driver!“Hey! Lawyer chick! Quit deposing the witness and get over here!”Alice stirred from all my yelling.“Is that you, Daddy?” She said this in such a sweet little sing-song drunk voice. Poor little thing.“Stand still,.
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